This Groove was named for the Farmer’s Almanac name for this month’s full moon, the deepest, darkest part of the winter. So, it was just as well we had our cozy Zooming time inside to end a very cold weekend. We of course started with vaccine talk and about who among us had gotten theirs, who were trying. Some got their two shots legitimately, in that it was their turn by age, they were a healthcare worker or the like, and some got it by a bit of cleverness around the corners, figuring out how to get them through connections, websites and pharmacy wait lists, and we all had tips for each other on how to find them. Then we wended into talking about dating sites, and dating, and getting out there again, as one of us utilized her downtime to enjoy online courses on dating and life advice. So we started by asked each other how we meet people, which of course these days is mostly through dating sites, and how we navigate the whole process. Meet outside under heat lamps? For walks? Are we comfortable eating inside yet? New York has opened up indoor dining to 25% – 35% but many people still aren’t so comfortable with eating inside. Of course, many States are now fully open. The disparity in risk averseness from one State to another, from one person to another, is large. We veered away from the relationship conversation to talk about a Black Lives Matter protest some of us watched pass us that evening, about thirty or so protesters marching down Columbus Ave. in NYC, in the rain, surrounded by about forty or so police, in vans, on foot and on motorcycles. It was small, but loud, and seemed a bit anachronistic. Now that Biden is elected it feels like it’s almost old fashioned, the BLM protest, but of course the problems they’re protesting have yet to be solved. It kind of felt like a strange scene out of a movie, this small group of protesters marching in the rain down a strangely empty main road surrounded by cops with flashing lights.
We returned to our conversation about relationships, which although is largely on the minds of many of us is rarely a topic on these “Grooves. We kind of delved deeply and personally since our group that night was mostly regulars who have grown somewhat comfortable with each other. We talked about our parents’ relationships and how that may have affected our feelings about finding partners, how those of us with parents who had good, long relationships might have a higher bar to meet and a tougher time dating. We talked about polite date behavior, how men’s eyes sometimes wander, as do some women’s, which is not very cool at all, and how impressed we are when people actually do focus on us. We talked about building trust with a partner, how it needs to be developed over time, how we need to define our space, what we want, and allow for each other’s strengths and weaknesses. We acknowledged the importance of commitment, how it helps us to push through the tough bumps every relationship has. We also delved into an extended conversation about contempt, the number one relationship killer according to several publicized studies, and according to a lot of our personal experiences. We discussed what contempt was, a lack of respect, hatred, maybe more than disrespect, a total disregard, a seething anger, something smoldering, a dark fire fed bit by bit over time until it informs every interaction, a drop that grows to poison the well of love. We veered from what ruins a relationship to what makes a relationship work, that two people need to agree to run their life together, to discuss how, as if in a committee meeting, how to make daily choices, and how every choice is different and relevant to the relationship that it is, and how to choose to be with each other again and again, daily.
Talking about relationships isn’t for everyone, so we moved from that to the politics. We wondered why Biden was being lenient with the Saudis, even as it has become very clear that they were indeed responsible for Kashogi’s murder. We talked about Trump’s speech at CPAC and how rambling it was, but still his people were enthralled, some seeming to even worship at a golden statue of him at the conference hall. We shared screen and played the video of the woman who sang the National Anthem at the CPAC conference so terribly, missing notes and switching keys and just out of tune and terrible, which was split screened alongside the pianist who was trying to keep up, a pained wincing expression on his face the whole time. Some of us on the call were singers and this was especially amusing to them. We moved from there to talking about celebrities who sing surprisingly well, like Meryl Streep in Mama Mia and how when she sang badly on purpose in the Florence Foster movie it must have been difficult for her, since she knew how to sing correctly. We talked about old Shirley Maclaine movies and then about famous sound effects, like from Star Wars or Law and Order, and where they derived from, usually from simple street sounds combined cleverly. We then talked about old fashioned expressions like 23 – Skiddoo, and 86’ed and where those expressions came from, that there was a subway air shaft that used to blow women’s skirts up like Marilyn’s did famously at West 23rd Street and men would linger to see it, and cops would tell them to “skiddoo,” to leave, and “86” was a military expression. We talked about southern expressions like “that dog won’t hunt,” “God be willing the crick don’t rise,” and of course, “bless your heart.” And somehow from there we talked about making steak with butter, Greek yogurt brands, Japanese food in Texas, Chinese food in Pennsylvania, the best date restaurants in our neighborhoods, and the best dumpling place in Queens. We ended the call hoping for the day soon when we can all maybe enjoy one of these places together, in real life.
