Today we had an unusual Groove, we had a birthday party for one of our regulars. Last Wednesday L mentioned that it was birthday the following Wednesday. Obviously, a hint was dropped. So, I picked it up and suggested we make the next week a birthday party along with the regularly scheduled Wednesday Groove. I told him I would share the link so he could put up his own invitation. I got the nudge to create the invitation earlier than I usually do one, which is rarely more than a day or two ahead of a Zoom, so that he could do his own invitation with the Zoom link. Creating an early invitation worked this week since I didn’t do an invitation for a Sunday Groove, which we skipped because it was the eve of Yom Kippur and many of us regulars would be watching our virtual Kol Nidre services. This in and of itself turned out to be quite the 2020 phenomenon. Personally, I hopped around a few virtual services at synagogues throughout the City which I’d been curious to check out in real life but never did. They all even provided links to prayer books to download and follow along. It was fun to “visit” different services in different styles and I even briefly checked out a Los Angeles synagogue I’d heard about in the afternoon.
The Birthday Boy’s invitation ended up garnering more than 50 yeses and maybes so I understood this would be my biggest Zoom yet. I figured with six months practice under my belt I could handle it. Before the Zoom I asked L if he wanted me to “moderate” or if he wanted to run with it himself. He had been on enough Grooves to know what I do, how I keep people from running with the mic and how I try to bring out those who might veer toward the shy end of the spectrum so everyone can feel part of the conversation. He said sure, do it, even though I mentioned I might cut him off at times as he was often a mic runner, though I of course promised to give him a little extra leeway being it was His Day.
The “party” worked out even better than I’d hoped. It helped that his group of friends was very nice and really did want to celebrate him. We had more than 50 people come from across the country, from Colorado, California, Minnesota, Texas, Massachusetts, and all over New Jersey and New York State. His mother came, his sister’s family and several cousins, and friends from all walks of his life. They certainly came prepared – they created “Happy Birthday L” and Party Balloon Zoom backdrops, they wore party hats and festive tiaras, and they came with drinks in hand to toast the Birthday Boy. I decided to use the technique I’d used and seen used at my alumni Zooms early in the pandemic, but to be a bit more casual with it. I said I would check in with everyone individually so they would have a chance to say a bit about themselves and say happy birthday to L. Someone mentioned it sounded work-like, but it didn’t turn out that way. I asked people where they were located right now and how they knew L. They’d speak a bit and then L would jump in with a little anecdote and start a conversation, and then some others would join the talk. It felt natural, like a small breakout in a party, and since we’re not using breakout rooms everyone could be a part of it passively. After a minute or two I’d gently cut off the conversation and move to the next person. This all worked pretty smoothly, with some exceptions, which no one seemed to mind, and I knew not to be annoyingly rigid about it all. His mother, a vivacious, beautiful woman, wasn’t up for playing by the rules so she jumped in and talked, interrupted several people, cooed over his other family members, and interacted “out of order” with some of his friends who had been in his life since elementary school and since high school, whom she of course knew. L’s Mom pointed out she had known one woman on the call since she was the age of her 5 year old son, who cutely presented himself periodically in her Zoom box, dashing away when he saw he had been noticed. L’s Mom said she needed to hop off early so I interrupted our little intros to sing “Happy Birthday.” I came prepared with a cupcake I’d found tucked in the back of the freezer from long ago, I stuck a candle in it, and waved it in front of computer camera eye while we sang a most disjointed “Happy Birthday” song.
After we hit everyone up for their where they are right now’s and how they know L’s, we had a momentary lag. So I circled back to a few people and asked more questions about what they had said, while stopping to introduce the latecomers and to ask them their where they are right now’s and how they know L’s. I asked about the wildfires some of the West Coasters have been dealing with. Someone from outside Denver talked about encroaching fires in her area and the orange skies she was seeing. The Californians talked about not seeing the sun for a few days because of the ash, but shrugged it off, saying they’d seen worse. They were dealing with a heat wave, but shrugged that off too, preferring to revel in the fact they had real palm trees swaying in their backgrounds rather than the now cliche virtual backdrops of some Zoomers. One woman showed off the two cats sharing her box, one on her lap, the other seemingly on her head, sitting behind her on the chair. L’s nephew played with his very large and very happy Golden Retriever, his computer camera somehow bouncing along with them as they roughhoused. I asked those with little kids poking their heads into their boxes how the virtual learning was going. We were privy to a very cute first grader’s opinion about her first day of school, as well as her parents’ opinions, and who also somewhat sheepishly explained the kid’s reference to the cafeteria was actually them taking advantage of some extra offered after school babysitting so they could have a little more time to themselves. A couple on the call were practicing therapists and they talked about how the uptick of telehealth was affecting their practices. We heard about new hobbies developed during COVID, one person having started producing YouTube cooking tutorials for traditional Jewish home cooking (brisket and kugel!) In circling back and asking one person how her quarantine went she told us about how she had suffered terrible appendicitis and thankfully got herself to the hospital to receive in-the-nick-of-time surgery during the heart of the pandemic when too many people were dangerously not going in for the medical help they needed because of their fear of catching COVID in the hospitals. All these “call backs” on people stimulated more conversation, rather than asking the group a broad question like “anyone have an interesting quarantine experience” which I had tried briefly at first and didn’t work. With more than 40 at one time calling on people and keeping on top of the latecomers meant scrolling between two pages and keeping it to a smaller feel, which took a little more effort than the typically one-page PareaGrooves, but I picked up the rhythm soon enough and it went smoothly.
The one topic I agreed with L to really try to avoid was politics. The presidential debate was last night, and it was alarming, to say the least. We successfully avoided the topic until the very end when someone sarcastically said “well Trump saved football,” which was one of his more ridiculous debate claims. That launched into everyone talking at once about the debate, and it was almost like a bit of a relief. Obviously, it was in the back of everyone’s mind and people wanted to talk about it. I let that run for maybe two minutes, then stopped it. I said, no, we promised, no politics. Someone said “but L was talking about it too!” And I said “it’s L’s birthday, he can talk politics if he wants to.” But that was the end of the politics talk.
I’d promised to keep the party two hours, and as people were starting to drop off I suggested we end it. L made a lovely last statement about how he was grateful to all his friends and family who came. He had been gracious throughout, thanking everyone individually for coming after their introductions. I got a nice thank you too, which was sweet. I asked everyone to say a last happy birthday to him and those who were left on the call most enthusiastically did. People really seemed to enjoy themselves. I had suggested L record it. I only thought to record it myself toward the end. I’m not as practiced at remembering to record. I hope his recording took. It was memorable, and as I pointed out on the call, might be a “thing” going forward. We may begin to “hybrid” our lives like the kids are with their schools this year. This Zoom party allowed L to see friends and family he hadn’t seen in years because they live too far away or are too absorbed with the responsibilities of raising a young family to make it to a pub party in Manhattan. I found this format worked, people got a chance to say “hello” and there was also unstructured conversation that almost mimicked a real life party. Nothing replaces real life, and the virtual interaction sometimes leaves us yearning for the real thing. Maybe this yearning will lead to more effort to visit from far away once we’re really free and safe to do so. In any case, although not perfect, this perpetuates community and relationship. I may look into helping others to do these parties. After six months of doing this very new thing I have picked up some skills!
